Walking Daddy

- Daddy, Daddy! Don’t go…! Don’t go!!!

No matter how much I shouted, my father didn\'t look back. Even though I tried my best to catch up to him, he only got further and further away from me.

I wanted him to hug me one last time so that I could feel his warmth.

I wanted him to pat me on the head with his rough hands.

I wanted him to say my name in his soft voice.

However, my father just kept on walking away, as if he had no reason to turn around. Whenever he left me like this, I would sit on the floor and cry, yelling at him not to go, and throwing tantrums directed at him. I would sob at the sorrow I felt as I watched him walk away, feeling stuffy, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to overcome everything ahead of me, overwhelmed by the thought of the loneliness of surviving in this pitch-dark world by myself.

Only after crying and letting out my emotions to the brink of losing consciousness was I able to escape from this terrible nightmare of mine.

When I slowly opened my eyes, I noticed warm sunlight streaming through the window. The chirping of the sparrows and the fresh spring breeze drifted through the cracks around the window and made their way through my cozy blankets, caressing me. I slowly got myself up and looked at the world outside the window as I wiped away my tears.

“Ha…”

It was the same dream again. I wondered if I could ever escape from this damned nightmare. I was still struggling with the same nightmare, about something that had happened ten years ago. My father had left me on Jeju Island while I was asleep. At that time, I couldn’t accept the fact that he had left me.

When I’d awoken, I’d gone around the entire neighborhood, desperately looking for my father. However, the only thing that I found was the hollow, eerie winter wind. There was no trace of my father.

It felt like I’d been left alone in the world. Even though I had a lot of uncles and aunts by my side, not having a father always left me with a sense of loneliness, as if I was in a foreign land. That day left a traumatic mark on me. I didn’t talk to anyone for a while, and spent many sleepless nights crying alone.

Despite the fact that there were a lot of good people around me, the loneliness I felt while being with them made me even more miserable, and made me miss my father. I knew the true meaning of painful longing at an early age.

I sat on my bed for a while, my hand against my forehead. Then a knock came at my door.

Knock, knock.

Han Seon-Hui’s voice drifted in.

“So-Yeon, are you inside?”

I brushed my bangs aside. “Yes, please come in,” I said.

"It looks like someone got up early.”

“I just got up,” I answered with a gentle smile.

Han Seon-Hui examined my face carefully, and her expression grew concerned.

“Did you have the same nightmare?” she asked.

"Oh…”

It seemed like the tears that had run down my cheeks had left marks on my face. Embarrassed that I had greeted her with a tear-streaked face, I quickly hid my face in my palms, but my own expression couldn’t help but grow bitter.

Han Seon-Hui sat down next to me, scrutinized me, and then hugged me without saying a word.

“Auntie also misses your father.”

“...”

“And trust me, it’s not just me. Everyone here also misses him. Mr. Lee Hyun-Deok, Mr. Kim Hyeong-Jun, Mr. Do Han-Sol, Mr. Kim Dae-Young, and Mr. Jeong Jin-Young. Everyone here misses all of them dearly.”

I bit my lower lip but couldn’t think of anything to say. Her hugs were always warm, and I could feel that she was always trying to comfort me. However, no matter how much love I got, the hole inside my heart remained, one that never seemed to get filled. I couldn\'t figure out how to fill that hole. At least, that’s what I thought right then.

Han Seon-Hui touched my cheek.

“Shall we eat breakfast first?” she asked.

When I nodded, Han Seon-Hui smiled happily.

"I\'ll wait outside. Get ready and come on out.”

"Okay."

With that, Han Seon-Hui left, and I took a deep breath before getting up. I knew why my father had left, and since it had already been ten years… I knew more than anyone that it was safe to say that his plan hadn’t worked.

I knew better than to dwell on the past; I needed to focus on the present, the reality that I was living in.

I walked to the bathroom and got ready to start the day.

* * *

I was part of the food, clothing, and shelter team. As I entered the hotel restaurant, I was greeted by the aunts and unnies[1] who had already started eating.

“So-Yeon, you’re up!”

Choi Da-Hye, who was sitting with everyone else, called to me first while holding up her spoon. She was always the center of the team, thanks to her excellent way with words. But of course, she wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t as good of a cook as Han Seon-Hui, and so the two were often mentioned in the same breath.

I gave her a small nod.

“Aunt Da-Hye, you’re up early as well. What’s for breakfast today?”

“Seaweed soup with fried egg. And leftover side dishes.”

“How much food do we have left?”

“We can check on that later. Go ahead and eat first. The quicker we eat, the faster we can feed the others.”

Mornings for the food, clothing, and shelter team started an hour earlier than the other teams. We ate breakfast first, then prepared food so that everyone else could get equal portions of food.

I nodded, then put some food on my plate and walked over to the table where Choi Da-Hye was. Kang Eun-Jeong, who was next to me, pinched my cheek.

“Seems like you’re getting prettier by the day! Right, everyone?” she said.

“Huh…?"

“I’m just jealous, that’s all. Look at how firm your skin is!”

Kang Eun-Jeong was a friendly aunt. My memories of her were a bit fuzzy, but I kind of remembered that she’d been on the verge of death after contracting tetanus at one point. Fortunately, she made it through thanks to Kim Beom-Jin’s extensive and sincere care.

Choi Da-Hye, seated on the other side of the table, glanced at Han Seon-Hui before whispering a question to me, as though afraid that it might get on my nerves.

“By the way, So-Yeon, how are things with you and Seok-Hui these days?”

"Huhhh?"

When I widened my eyes in surprise, Choi Da-Hye flashed a rather mischievous smile.

“Is Seok-Hui treating you well?” she asked.

“I… I don’t know what you mean by that. I’m just friends with Seok-Hui…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Auntie knows everything. Aren’t you and Seok-Hui in that kind of relationship?”

“Oh, no, no.”

“Then does our sweetie So-Yeon have a crush on him?”

Smack!

Someone slapped Choi Da-Hye on the back of her head. She looked behind her with a bewildered face, only to see Han Seon-Hui standing behind her with a gentle smile. Han Seon-Hui tilted her head and looked Choi Da-Hye in the eyes.

“You sure are teaching So-Yeon something very useful, huh?”

“Oh, unnie!”

“Finish up your food already!”

“Oh, nevermind, So-Yeon. Don’t go for Seok-Hui. Having a mother-in-law like her? Geez.”

All the women gathered in the restaurant burst into laughter at her joke. I blushed and placed the back of my hands on my cheek, squeezing my lips tightly shut. They were quite the mischievous bunch when it came to jokes like this.

But still, thanks to Choi Da-Hye, I was able to start the day on a high note.

* * *

I finished my work around four in the afternoon. The food, clothing, and shelter team operated in two shifts. One shift took care of breakfast and lunch, while the other shift was responsible for dinner. So after cleaning up after lunch, I was free to go.

I rode my bike along the quiet coastal road. Port Jeju appeared in the distance, along with the fish farms that had been built next to it. As I drew closer, I saw Seok-Hui working, wearing a work apron.

Ring, ring.

I signaled to him, and he looked around and saw me before anyone else did.

"Uh? So-Yeon!”

Seok-Hui smiled brightly, took off his rubber gloves, and began to run over, but Lee Jeong-Hyuk grabbed him from behind.

“I won’t let you go if you try to run off by using So-Yeon as an excuse again,” he said, holding Seok-Hui by his shirt.

“What? Run off?”

A man with a shaggy beard approached Lee Jeong-Hyuk.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“Hyung-nim, it\'s Seok-Hui. This guy is trying to run off again.”

“Run off? Is So-Yeon here?”

Lee Jeong-Uk looked around, then smiled brightly at me, waving his right hand. I got off my bike and bowed to Lee Jeong-Uk. He gestured to me to approach. As I walked toward him, I glanced at Seok-Hui. I saw him smiling as if he couldn’t hold in his happiness. Seeing him, I couldn’t help but smile as well.

Then, Lee Jeong-Hyuk, who still had a fistful of his clothes, gave him a noogie.

"Hey, Seok-Hui!" he yelled.

"Oww! Why are you hitting me!”

“I almost went blind because of how brightly your eyes lit up!”

Lee Jeong-Hyuk let out a boisterous laugh, and Seok-Hui blushed and his head sagged. Then Lee Jeong-Uk joined in the laughter as he observed the two of them.

“Why are you teasing him?” he said. “Do you want to get in trouble with Mrs. Han Seon-Hui again?”

“Well, that’s why I’m teasing him when she’s not around. Don’t you get it?”

“You’re the worst, man.”

Lee Jeong-Uk snorted and shook his head. He scooped a fresh fish out of the water and started to make sashimi on the spot. Once he finished preparing a plate of fresh sashimi, Lee Jeong-Uk dipped a large slice of it into some chogochujang[2] and offered it to me.

“So-Yeon, say ‘ah.’”

"Huh? Won’t you get in trouble again for doing this, Uncle Jeong-Uk?”

“Me? With who?”

“I know you got in trouble with Gi-Cheol ahjussi the other day after secretly preparing some sashimi the other day.”

He let out a laugh.

“Do you think I prepared this sashimi because I want to eat it? You know it’s for you So-Yeon,” he said.

There really was no way of stopping Uncle Jeong-Uk. I happily took a bite of the fish he offered. I tasted its freshness and savored the soft melt-in-your-mouth texture, as though the fish were still alive. The fresh fish, chogojuchang, and my watering mouth were in perfect harmony; fresh sashimi never seemed to disappoint me.

“You, you… Lee Jeong-Uk!”

Someone shouted out his name from behind. Lee Jeong-Uk looked behind him, his eyes wide open. Park Gi-Cheol was running our way with a kitchen knife. Running next to him was Kang Ji-Suk, who was in his late twenties. The two ran over, huffing and puffing, pointing at Lee Jeong-Uk.

“How many times have I told you not to slice sashimi by yourself! Are you abusing your authority as the leader?”

“No, Gi-Cheol hyung-nim, you have to listen to me. Do you think I’m making sashimi for myself to eat? So-Yeon came all the way out here; how could I just let her leave without giving her some sashimi?”

It seemed like ten years had been enough to erode the previous hierarchy. Park Gi-Cheol and Lee Jeong-Uk used to speak respectfully to each other, but now they were more like a pair of brothers, sharing an older brother-younger brother relationship. Now, even the guard leader could comfortably point his finger at the leader.

When Lee Jeong-Uk tactfully inserted me into the conversation, Park Gi-Cheol clicked his tongue and stabbed the kitchen knife he was holding into the cutting board. He then put some of the remaining sashimi straight into his mouth.

"Geez! I’ll let this one slide because the sashimi’s good!” he said as he chewed.

Kang Ji-Suk, who was next to him, furrowed his brow.

“Uncle Gi-Cheol!” he cried, “I thought you said you were going to teach Uncle Jeong-Uk a lesson today!”

Kang Ji-Suk had been put through a lot because of Lee Jeong-Uk and Lee Jeong-Hyuk, so he’d chosen to stay right next to Park Gi-Cheol to make it through the past ten years.

Of course, everyone knew they were joking and playing around, but deep down, Kang Ji-Suk actually enjoyed seeing Lee Jeong-Uk and Lee Jeong-Hyuk get scolded by Park Gi-Cheol. Park Gi-Cheol swallowed the piece of fish in his mouth, looked at Kang Ji-Suk, then dipped another thick piece of sashimi in chogojujang and stuffed it into his mouth.

Kang Ji-Suk’s furrowed brows eased as the sashimi melted in his mouth. Before he had the chance to say anything, Park Gi-Cheol quickly picked up another piece of sashimi and put it in his own mouth.

“Well, I guess we’re partners in crime now,” he said with a hearty smile.

"Huh? You shoved it in my mouth!”

“Well, who told you to eat it? You should’ve said you didn’t want it if you really didn’t.”

“Wow, okay. So that’s how it is?”

“Hahahaha!”

Everyone laughed and had a good time.

* * *

Some time passed, and Lee Jeong-Uk checked what time it was.

"It\'s already past five. I think it’s time for dinner soon.”

“Then, hyung-nim, let’s just finish what we were doing earlier and wrap up.”

“Okay.”

Lee Jeong-Uk, Lee Jeong-Hyuk, Park Gi-Cheol, and Kang Ji-Suk headed back, and Seok-Hui followed them as well. But Lee Jeong-Uk turned around.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Huh?"

“Why are you coming?”

"Sorry? I have to help too, of course,” replied Seok-Hui, looking bewildered.

Lee Jeong-Uk glanced behind him, his gaze falling on me.

“You’re going to leave So-Yeon alone?” he said, his tone of voice suggesting that he thought Seok-Hui needed much more work learning how to read situations.

“Oh…”

Seok-Hui couldn\'t help but smile after he heard his question. When Seok-Hui tossed aside his apron and rubber gloves, Lee Jeong-Uk smiled softly.

“Seok-Hui,” he said in a low voice.

“Yes, uncle?”

Lee Jeong-Uk brandished the kitchen knife he was holding.

“If you try to do something stupid to So-Yeon, you’re dead meat.”

Seok-Hui swallowed and nodded quickly.

“Get going.”

"Yes uncle!"

“You guys are going to Seongsan Ilchulbong again, aren’t you? Make sure to stop by the hospital on the way and sanitize your hands.”

Seok-Hui nodded vigorously and walked over to me. I tilted my head, wondering what Uncle Jeong-Uk was talking about.

“Sanitize? Did you get hurt somewhere?”

“Oh, it’s not a big deal. I got a small cut on my hand while working.”

“Let me see.”

I grabbed his right hand to take a look at his bandage.

"Ow! That hurts!”

Even though I had only lightly touched his wound, he quickly snatched his hand back, shaking it violently as though he was being electrocuted. I took note of how much pain he was in, and frowned at him.

“I remember telling you to be careful, no?”

“It’s really just a small cut…”

“Hey, what if you actually got tetanus from that? You know what Aunt Eun-Jeong went through.”

“Sorry…”

“I swear, if you keep on getting hurt…”

I frowned, glaring at Seok-Hui, and he avoided my gaze with a sheepish smile. That was when I realized that I was truly worried about his well-being.

"Okay, nevermind. Let’s go to the hospital already.”

“Are you mad?"

"As if!”

I got on my bike and pedaled away, one step ahead of him.

“So-Yeon! Hey! Lee So-Yeon! Don’t leave me behind!”

Seok-Hui belatedly got on his own bicycle and tried his best to catch up.

* * *

While Seok-Hui was being treated at the hospital, I asked how Kim Ga-Bin, Kim Seok-Won, and Kim Jin-Joo were doing. I rarely saw their faces except for when we ate, so it was awkward to start a conversation with them at first.

Creak.

Soon after, Seok-Hui and Kim Beom-Jin emerged from the medical room.

“If your flesh gets cut, you should get it treated right away. You’re going to be in trouble if something like this happens again.”

"I’m sorry. And thank you.”

Seok-Hui nodded at Kim Beomg-Jin and flashed a childish smile at me. Kim Beom-Jin smiled happily when he saw me, then spoke to Seok-Hui with a mischievous, playful expression.

“I wonder how Seok-Hui’s going to survive without So-Yeon, huh? Seok-Hui can’t even tell when he’s sick on his own.”

"It’s not that… I just didn’t want to worry her.”

I leaped out of my seat when I heard Seok-Hui\'s words.

"Hey! Who said I was worried about you?” I said quickly. “I brought you here because you were being stupid and not getting any treatment. That’s all.”

After my outburst, Kim Beom-Jin cleared his throat and looked at the other doctors.

“Ummm, everyone? Let’s go get dinner while we leave these two to make up.”

With that, everyone in the room got up, smiling warmly. On the other hand, I left the hospital grumpily and got on my bicycle. It was around sunset, and the sun was slowly sinking beneath the horizon. Feeling all annoyed, I pedaled nonstop toward the peak of Seongsan Ilchulbong. After pedaling for a while, I reached the peak of Seongsan Ilchulbong and saw the statues that had been erected there.

I crouched under one of the statues and looked at the horizon as twilight grew. As I got lost in thought, I heard Seok-Hui’s voice behind me.

“I knew you’d be here.”

He was fiddling with his bandaged right hand as if he had desperately tried to catch up to me. It seemed like he’d done a pretty good job catching up, considering how difficult it had to be for him to ride his bicycle with one hand. Instead of offering a reply, I brought my knees together and buried my face in them.

Seok-Hui sat down next to me.

"Are you mad?" he asked.

“I don’t like it.”

“What?”

“How people are treating us.”

As I confessed how I felt, Seok-Hui stroked his chin.

“Well, I like it,” he said. “That’s why I like it when you’re grumpy, complaining, and throwing tantrums.”

"Huh??"

He was being ridiculous. I couldn’t believe he was enjoying how others were treating us when he didn’t even have the courage to confess his feelings to me. I looked at him contemptuously, but he had his eyes fixed on the sunset, with a serious look on his face. He didn’t seem like his usual self.

As I looked at his face glittering in the sunset, my heart began to beat frivolously. The reason I was angry at him was because… I knew I had feelings for Seok-Hui, and it seemed like Seok-Hui had feelings for me as well… but I couldn’t stand his timidity, his inability to express his feelings for me.

I continued to look at Seok-Hui with a puzzled expression, and after a moment, he stood up.

“I’m not going to ask you out,” he said.

“What the he…”

I almost blurted out something inappropriate, but it seemed he hadn’t quite heard what I’d said. He continued to speak, his eyes on the statue behind us.

“I don’t have the courage… the courage to ask you out before I become someone that I can be proud of.”

“What are you talking about…?"

“Let me ask you this. Why do you come here?”

“I don’t know. I guess the scenery is nice.”

“I come here to pay a visit to the ones here.”

I turned around to look at the statues behind us. Some of the folks on the facilities management team who were good at creating things had sculpted statues to honor the Five Heroes. In the center was a statue of my father. On one side of him were statues of Kim Hyeong-Jun and Do Han-Sol, while statues of Kim Dae-Young and Jeong Jin-Young flanked him on the other side.

The statues had become discolored over the years, perhaps because they were next to the ocean, but they still possessed their original dignity and majesty. Seok-Hui stared at the statue of my father and continued to speak.

“Your old man once told me to grow up into a good, proper man and protect you.”

“You’re being cringe…”

In truth, I didn\'t want to talk about my father. I didn’t know why, but whenever I talked about my father, one side of me felt stuffy, and I was always overcome with an indescribable feeling of loneliness. Regardless, Seok-Hui continued to talk about him.

“I can’t forget his eyes. When everyone hesitated to take even one step forward, your father would always step up like a man with no fear, with the most determined face I’d ever seen.”

“...”

“All of us here were only able to get this far because Uncle Hyun-Deok paved the road for us. He protected us from the storm. And this somebody… He looked me in the eye and said I had to protect you.”

“...”

“I’ll be honest with you. I like you, So-Yeon.”

At his sudden confession, I widened my eyes and looked at him. I was confused at his sudden confession, especially since he’d just told me earlier that he had no intention of confessing. I didn’t know how to take this.

“Hey, didn’t you say you weren’t…”

“Yeah, but right now… I’m clumsy at everything, and weak. I’m going to try my best until I become proud of myself, until I become the man that your father would approve of.”

“...”

Seok-Hui’s eyes met mine, full of determination.

“When that happens, I’ll confess my feelings to you again. As a better, more confident man.”

It seemed to me that he was being unnecessarily serious.

“How is this different from confessing already… You idiot…” I mumbled, trying to calm my beating heart.

I suddenly remembered a phrase from a book I read that said teenage love was always clumsy, and that it was never perfect. That phrase described Seok-Hui perfectly.

Or perhaps, the others saw me in the same way as they saw Seok-Hui. I wondered if that was why they kept on setting us up together.

I didn’t know the answer to my question.

Instead of pondering over this some more, I stared out beyond the horizon without saying a word. Seok-Hui remained silent as well. Our eyes were fixed on the same thing as we allowed the wind to blow over us, tickling us.

Whirr, whirr, whirr.

Just then, a faint, sputtering sound made its way through the clouds and disappeared.

It was a strange yet exhilarating sound. I jumped up and looked around to see where it was coming from. Then, far away, I saw a flying object, a small dot streaking across the sunset as if it was flying along the darkening horizon.

The moment I saw that dot skipping along the sky, my heart, which had skipped a beat, began to rumble like a mighty wave. I didn\'t even look back; I went straight back to where I’d left my bicycle. Seok-Hui’s reaction was no different. I could just tell by his face that his heart was racing as quickly as mine. We exchanged a glance, then hurriedly pedaled back to the hotel.

My ears were filled with the sound of the wind rushing by me. My thigh muscles tightened, and my beating heart tried its best to keep up with my heavy breathing. Despite all this, I didn\'t feel tired or exhausted at all. The rush of adrenaline and the thought that something good was waiting for me spurred my muscles to keep going.

As I pedaled along the coastal road, My eyes were fixed on the plane in the air. In the distance, the plane that had been circling began to descend slowly toward Jeju Airport. The plane, which had begun its descent, looked just like the plane I saw in my childhood dreams. It looked familiar, and yet it was like something I’d never seen before.

It looked rusty, and had lost the shine it once had… But I was certain that it was the Russian military cargo transport.

Perhaps I’d seen this in my dreams at one point. Everything felt like déjà vu. My mind blanked, and all I could feel was the pounding of my heart, along with an indescribable feeling of sadness.

I was gasping for air, and I couldn’t stop myself. I knew I still had a long way to go. But the sun had already set, and the sky was already pitch-black. It was completely dark.

I knew I had to go faster. Faster, to where the plane was. But it felt like my worn-out body, my lungs that were about to burst any second, my mind—boggled by all sorts of thoughts—and the darkness around me were all trying to stop me from reaching my happiness.

Flick, flick, flick.

The streetlights that went along the coastal road began to turn on one by one. Lee Jeong-Uk had lit up a series of brilliant, vibrant reddish-yellowish lights—something he had never done, because he usually thought that any lights except for those around the hotel were a waste of energy. These lights, which I had not been able to see in the past ten years… They were so beautiful that it was hard to believe that human beings had made them.

As the street lights came on, the feelings within me intensified. I gritted my teeth and pedaled even harder. Then, in the distance, at the end of the coastal road, I spotted a man running nonstop toward me.

Four hundred meters… three hundred meters… two hundred… one hundred.. and finally, fifty meters.

I stopped pedaling and looked at him. He was staring at me as well, breathing heavily.

"Ah… Ah…”

“So-Yeon.”

The man spoke in a soft, soothing voice. His voice gave me the chills and made me tremble. Even though he had only called out my name, I immediately started to cry as the emotions within me got the best of me. The tears I had been holding in finally came out in a flood, washing the loneliness that had made a home in my heart. The tears in my eyes made it difficult for me to see clearly.

I covered my mouth with my hands and ran toward the man as I tried to comfort my aching heart. The man, whose face was red and flushed as he looked at me, bit his lower lip and spread his arms wide.

"Daddy…!”

“So-Yeon!”

“Daddy, Daddy!!”

I never knew that the word ‘daddy’ could be this desperate and thrilling. The father, who wouldn’t even hold my hands in my dream, had finally stopped walking to listen to me. I buried myself in his arms and soaked his shirt with my tears. As I sobbed, the reddish-yellowish lights from the street lamps soon turned to warm sunlight that drove away my nightmares.

After ten years of waiting, the hole in my heart was finally gone.

1. ‘Unnie’ is a Korean term for someone who is seen as an older sister figure. ☜

2. Chogochujang is a spicy, sweet, tangy Korean dipping sauce often used to eat sashimi. ☜